It has been a long time since I wrote. I do not have words to describe much of my experience since December 27,2021. I lost my beloved partner, best freind, homemate. In the grief and the initial shock I existed in a kind of limbo. The perception of time was gone. It was not real; I believed he would come back. Odd perceptions were frequent. I was tired, I was sleep deprived. I had several irrational ideas based in old loss and fear. I would spiral out from reality and think crazy thoughts. Moments of feeling happy were amplified to manic moments of euphoria, followed by shame or guilt for being happy. There are days where I did not eat or wash; nights where I could not sleep. My health suffered.
I understood this was part of grief. Nothing prepared me for this loss. I was a mess in every way and yet friends and family stood by me. I had to decide and keep deciding; I want to Live. I cried and kept repeating, I want to live. I had to pay attention to eat and sleep each day and stay connected with people.
My sister, who undrestands this kind of grief said to block out 12 hours to get 8 hours of rest, which worked. I had to accept days where I would do hardly a thing, if I ate and slept that was enough. If I connected with loved ones I'd be doing my best. Then there were days I was panicky, an adrenal draining state; being busy, checking things of the to-do lists, pacing, obsessive cleaning. These days happend less and less.
Tears come from gratitude and grief; connecting to people especially who knew us both bring tears of gratitude. I am forever grateful to friends and family who continue to reach towards me even when I am at my worst.
I have tried things; some did not work but I learned from then. I pray I keep trying new things becaue that is when we are most alive, when we are curious and flexible.
I pray I continue to move towards connection with people. Because it is connections to other people and our earth that hold the essence of life. Everything else is, in the end, irrelevant.
Each step towards building my life without him, I face the pain of losing him, the permanence of his absence, simultaneously I am forever grateful to have been with him. Every day, I think of him with my heart full of gratitude. There is always mystery, and the opportunity to find peace within vast mystery. I am still in relationship with him, it has changed, it is not material, not physical.
I have begun to live with the grief, continuing my life. The world is messy and grey areas surround us, yet it is a beautiful world.
I have gone out of my comfort zone frequently to be with and connect with people, sometimes it is by phone or zoom. Phone calls and video meetings make it possible to deepen our connections even across the globe. It has been scary to reach out and some people you must reach out to more than others. It is effort, even work, but it is so worthwhile.
Love and connection and interaction with more people is one way we can all make the world better. It is hard, often frightening to change our habits, but courage is not the absence of fear, it is going on despite the fear.
All that matters is connection, (kind and loving) connection.
Smile at people you come across today. Say thank you more, wish strangers a good day. Ask someone to go for a walk.
The small habits of connecting and kindness make the world safer for everyone. A particularly easy way is to notice parents struggles and acknowledge how hard parenting can be. I did this recently for an exhausted mom traveling with a toddler, the relief on her face was palpable. She smiled and said it is also so worthwhile. She had smiles her little one. All I said is, “parenting can be so hard.” I realized I could show up and see her. I could make a positive difference. I did it again for another mom stuck at the airport due to long flight delay. These are small connections but they matter.
I had decided in the fall 2021 to leave social media for three reasons; to be present to relationships and life in the real world, and to not participate in surveillance economy (platforms whose algorithms feed hate and division and steal our attention, not to mention spined and false news. I left also because I do not wish to be marketed to constantly or buy into the outrageous consumerism rampant in society today.
Take care, Chris aka Cricket
ahh Savasana
